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How to sexually desire the person with whom you have been in a relationship for many years | Wellness, Sex

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In recent times, we have seen some examples in pop culture and in the market that indicate that sex in stable and lasting relationships also needs a large dose of innovation. From the Christian Gray-style whip to thinking about sharing the Satisfyer, we are beginning to realize that sex, like everything else as a couple, has to be worked on. However, it seems that there are still certain romantic ideals that continue to hover over stable couples, especially heterosexual ones. One of them is that the “urge” to go to bed together continues to appear magically for many years to pass. And if not, something is wrong. As the sexologist Ana Lombardía explains, this belief is not exactly like that. We must bear in mind that the attraction and desire for our partner are almost constant in what is known as falling in love. But that stage, in reality, lasts only between 3 and 16 months. Then the sex, or the desire for sex, changes. Let’s say that the desire does not disappear, but it hides, and you have to have tools to know how to find it. And not everyone is up for the work of getting to work on this task. “Men tend to have a greater tendency to believe that sex should be spontaneous and are often more reluctant than women to ‘prepare’ a date or a sexual encounter,” explains Lombardía in her book Talking to them. The sexuality of straight men (Oberon). Furthermore, as the sexologist recalls, this supposed spontaneity at the beginning of the relationship is also an illusion. “At the beginning we send messages to each other at all hours, we decide to meet at his house or at ours, we let him know if our parents or roommates have left, we shave, we wax…”. In short, the planning of the sexual encounter has always existed, what is spontaneous, was the game of seduction. And that is just what is lost over the years. Not only the frequency with which our partner approaches us in search of sex, but also the quality of our sexual life, is something that worries Spaniards a lot. This was revealed in the sociological work on the evolution of the couple in Spain, carried out by the University of Malaga and financed by the BBVA Foundation, in which it is clear that sexual satisfaction was not a reason for rupture for our ancestors, but it is for current couples. Putting on the table the data that indicates the importance of sexual relations for the good health of a couple, the million dollar question is why we become lazy when looking for seduction tools. “Many people lack seduction tools. In fact, they do not seduce, but rather directly propose sex, either with words or actions”, insists Lombardía. And if we already started badly, sexual satisfaction does not point to ways. “It is difficult to establish generalities about whether they are the ones who initiate sexual encounters. We tend to have the belief that they are usually the ones who take the initiative and have more sexual desire, but in reality it depends more on individual differences than on being a man or a woman, ”she adds. And it is that seducing is not only proposing sex, but getting our partner to share our desire for sex. “Seducing means getting your partner to feel like having sex when they don’t feel like it in the first place. This implies a process of relaxing, appearing attractive, proposing erotic things that may be desired and that are not genitals…”, Lombardía relates. Silvia Pérez, couples therapist, agrees with this idea. “Couples in consultation often say to me, ‘Won’t you have a camera in our room?’ Because I ‘guess’ exactly how their sexual relations are: at night, in bed, first there is kissing, then touching and later penetration that ends when he ejaculates, she sometimes (just sometimes) reaches orgasm before he does. » The problem with repeating this pattern is that if it doesn’t satisfy us, we end up avoiding it. And we don’t just shy away from sex, but any sign that indicates there may be sex. “A situation that is constantly repeated is one in which one member of the couple approaches the other to kiss and caress him with the intention of having sex and he, if he does not feel like it, rejects the kiss and caresses to prevent things from going wrong. to more”. This means that every time a kiss or a caress arises, even if it is without the intention of having sex, it also ends up being avoided, creating a physical distance between the couple, which can be more worrying than having less sexual relations. However, a study from the University of Utah (United States), published in ‘Social Psychology and Personality Science’, revealed that the “feeling of distance” with our partner was one of the main reasons for breaking up. Learn to seduce more than to propose “It is mistakenly believed that you can stop seducing your partner once they have become stable, however, you always have to seduce. I can’t have sex whenever I want, even if it’s with my usual partner, if there hasn’t been a game of seduction beforehand. Something very important to keep the flame alive is to surprise. Nobody likes to be told the same movie over and over again”, makes clear the therapist Silvia Pérez. But surprise, we are little surprised, even in things that might seem simple. For example, according to another survey carried out on this occasion by the We Vibe toy brand in collaboration with Appinio in 2021, men masturbate an average of 140 times a year in Spain, women 53 times. Despite this, only 9 percent said they masturbated with their partner. Something that could be a way to innovate and enliven the relationship. Why do we separately do something that we could do together? “We must remember that when we are in a relationship, availability should not be taken for granted. In other words, we should not believe that our partner will always be there, no matter what happens, and that they will continue to feel attracted to us, regardless of what we do. Seduction must occur daily. You have to bond with your partner every day, or at least many days”, Lombardía also relates. But how to seduce a stable partner, who already knows all our tricks? “My proposal would be aimed at changing the dynamics and patterns established in sexual encounters, so that a racy kiss or a lewd gesture does not necessarily imply anything else,” the sexologist proposes. “If we make a sexual encounter complete and satisfying simply by giving each other passionate kisses or ‘groping’ over our clothes, it will be much more likely that desire will appear more frequently and more easily,” she says. On her part, Pérez aims to get out of the sense of touch, and propose ways to reconnect with other senses. And she propose them in the strict sense of the word. And it is that another of the great problems of stable couples is that we take for granted that the other should know, just because, what we want and when we want it. And this is not so, unless we have a mind reader. Nothing of false myths of the style “if I have to ask you, I don’t want it anymore”. Thus, Pérez proposes a game in which we propose five sexual desires to propose sex out of touch. For example, with your eyes, doing a striptease; with the ear, that they read us an erotic story; with pleasure, that they prepare us a sexy dinner; and with smell, something as simple as surprising us with a new perfume.

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– Article Written By @Silvia C. Carpallo from https://smoda.elpais.com/placeres/sexo/como-volver-a-desear-sexualmente-a-la-persona-con-la-que-llevas-muchos-anos-de-relacion/

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