Sadie Robertson’s postpartum journey has not been easy. In the last episode of her Whoa that’s good podcast, the 24-year-old reality star talked about how she felt since giving birth. Robertson and her husband, Christian Huff, welcomed their daughter, Honey, on May 11.

Bringing Honey into the world “did not go as planned”, as there were complications during her delivery. While Robertson didn’t realize how those complications affected his body in the hospital – something he referred to as “false confidence” from both the pain relievers and the kind nurses – everything changed when he got home.

“I was in more pain than ever, honestly, in my entire life. Really,” he said. “… I lay down on the couch and started crying so hard … I couldn’t stop crying.”

Robertson noted that it took a month for the “very, very bad” physical pain to stop. At the same time, however, he was dealing with emotional issues, including fear and anxiety.

While Robertson has dealt with anxiety for years, it became even worse after delivery.

“I am constantly trying to fight fear in my life,” he said. “… After delivery, so many emotions were happening that I really couldn’t fight the fear like I normally do. Suddenly, I was in a state of anxiety. I didn’t even realize it was getting as close as it was. “.

Due to complications at the hospital, Robertson said she began asking herself questions that led her down a dark path.

“My mind kept thinking, ‘What if this had happened? What if it lasted another minute and she didn’t make it? What if … neither of us made it? What if I lost too? A lot of blood “What if when they pushed my stomach they actually seriously damaged something internally and I don’t even know I’m bleeding? What if the oxygen was cut off for too long and she has brain damage? All these and ifs,” he explained.

Those questions led her to worry even more as she began to wonder, “Is she really okay? Did she really get over that? Did I really get over that? Is there something wrong with me? Is there something wrong with her?” ? ‘”

Robertson said that all the thoughts that swirled around her head became “such a toxic brain spiral” that it led to “extreme anxiety.”

“I didn’t even realize that those thoughts throughout the day were making me nervous, they were making me have all the anxious feelings, they were making my chest feel very tight and like I couldn’t breathe,” she said.

In the midst of their struggles, Robertson did not tell anyone what he was going through.

“The reason I didn’t do it is because I was so happy to be his mother. I was so happy. I was so in awe of miracles. I didn’t understand how I could be so happy and so happy, but also experience so much fear,” she explained. “You don’t have to just choose one of those feelings. You don’t have to just choose fear and exchange all the joy. You don’t have to just choose the joy and exchange all the fear. Go hand in hand.”

“The reason I was so scared is because I loved her so much. The reason I even cared if something happened is because I loved her so much and was so happy to become her mother,” continued Robertson. “However, just because it has a rational sense that I have some fear does not mean that it is something I need to live with or that I have to soak up.”

It all came to a head one night, when Robertson was watching a movie with her husband, daughter, mother, and in-laws, and she felt the sudden need to cry.

“I told everyone I had to go to the bathroom and I went and started crying in my closet,” she recalled. “Christian came in and said, ‘What are you doing?’ And I just said, ‘I’m so scared.’ He said, ‘Why?’ And I said, ‘I’m so scared. I’m scared that something will happen to him … I’m so scared that he’s not really okay. What if every time the oxygen gets stuck it actually cuts off too long? Something has happened to me and I am not going to become the mother I want to be for her. ‘

It was at this point that he discovered that Huff, 23, had also been struggling.

“What was crazy was that I didn’t even know I was experiencing fear. He opened up to me and said, ‘Actually, me too. It has been difficult for me. Seeing how it hurts has been difficult. When you were at work it was so hard to see [that]. That moment was so scary … I was so scared, ‘”she recalled.” … We both needed to open up about it. We just didn’t want to because we didn’t want to look ungrateful, but it really wasn’t that at all. It was that we were so grateful that we did not know what to do with these enormous emotions. “

After she began letting people in, Robertson turned to therapy, journaling, and her faith to help her overcome her anxieties.

“The fear was really stealing the sweetness of the moment in that moment, those first two weeks of that miracle that I had,” he said. “… I got to this point with my story where I was like, ‘I can live in fear, yes. I can sit here and say what if, and what could have happened and what should have happened, or can I live as if A miracle would have happened … I can’t explain why I’m okay and why she’s okay, but we both are and I just need to have gratitude and thank God. ‘

Robertson noted that “that gratitude that I have in my heart … just started to change the fear in my life.”

Now, approximately two months after delivery, Robertson considers motherhood to be “the greatest honor of my life.”

“It’s the greatest joy. It hasn’t been easy by any means. It’s difficult, right? But what would be comparable to the greatest thing of all time, the greatest responsibility, and wouldn’t it be difficult? “, He said. . “It was the most beautiful trip.”

“I love being the mother of Honey James. I love doing it with Christian. We are a team in everything. I would not trade him for the world,” continued Robertson. “I can’t wait to see the times to come. I am grateful for where we have been, but I am very excited about where we are going and what we have learned along the way.”